Hollywood version of the campaign

IS this really the worst election campaign in living memory?

Are Julia Gillard and Tony Abbott as small-minded and cynical as Laurie Oakes suggested when he called them "a couple of political pygmies"?

Everyone is beating up on this election campaign, but maybe now that it has all come to an end, we will look back and see that it did have its interesting moments.

Oakes might be the Obi-Wan Kenobi of Canberra but what does he really know about popular entertainment?

Sure, this campaign may have lacked a few elementary things, like vision and policies, but how many people recall past election campaigns and sigh: "oh that campaign of '93; now that was an election campaign, great speeches, sound policies … "

Fact is, most people's collective memories of previous election campaign highlights would barely fill a two-minute reel. Let's see: there was John Howard's children overboard fraud and Mike Willesee's dismantling of John Hewson's GST policy using a hypothetical birthday cake.

Suddenly, the 2010 campaign hasn't been so bad after all.

There have been plenty of memorable moments, admittedly most of them car crashes, but memorable just the same.

In fact, this election has all the ingredients of a movie blockbuster. Let's list them, shall we?

MINDLESS violence: Julia's knifing of K-Rudd; bone-chillingly efficient and a real mood-setter.

RETURN of the living dead: Buried and all but forgotten, K-Rudd is revived by a mad scientist (aka ALP campaign director) to run amok in the backblocks of Queensland electorates.

YOU talkin' to me? First Julia refuses a second debate with Tony, then he refuses to debate her, and then they can't get their acts together in a wacky homage to romantic comedies.

FUNNY sidekick: He's a clumsy, oafish clown who keeps getting in the way; see Mark Latham cause the most cinematic mayhem since Steve Martin in the Jerk.

 GRUMPY old men: Bob Hawke and Andrew Peacock are dragged in with predictable results. Those old-timers just don't know when to shut up, with Peacock managing to lose the handicap vote in one sentence – you'd have to be "pretty handicapped" not to notice the Labor Government's problems. Time for your nap, Andrew.

PRETTY Woman: Julia lands on the front page of a women's mag after a makeover leaves her looking more like the other Julia (Roberts).

PLANES, Trains and Automobiles: In the desperate last days, Tony goes on a frenetic 36-hour bender to visit as many election hot spots as possible while Julia flies from one side of the nation to the other.

FAST and Furious: a semi-trailer narrowly misses taking out the Liberal leader near Geelong (sure, it was back in February, before the campaign, but that's movies for you … ).

All we need for box-office success is clever casting. Cate Blanchett would be all over Julia and Hugh Jackman's physique makes him a perfect fit for Tony, but the supporting roles provide a bigger challenge.

Who to play the tortured soul that is Mark Latham? Russell Crowe clearly has the acting chops, and he has been known to bulk up for the right role, but he might not agree to a lower billing – ironically something Latham also had trouble with.

Paul Hogan could probably play both Bob Hawke and Andrew Peacock – killing two roles with one trip to the solarium – while Gyton Grantley, the baby-faced actor who played killer Carl Williams in Underbelly, could portray the clearly ruthless bill Shorten.

To play Laurie Oakes is a trickier affair since Frank Thring and Noel Ferrier have gone to that actors' studio in the sky but, in a pinch and with a suitable body suit, bill Hunter could fit the bill because just as there can never be an Australian election without Oakes, there surely cannot be an Australian movie without Hunter.

That just leaves Geoffrey Rush to play Bob Brown, Guy Pearce to play K-Rudd and Max Gillies to play former Liberal leader Malcolm Turnbull.

With the right script, this could make Don's Party look like a tea party. just some clever editing, you know, with music drowning out the speeches and it could be a winner. just what to call it? Moving forward? Standing up? Rolling over? Begging? Playing Dead? … no, no, how about borrowing a line from another old pollie and call it Feeding the Chooks?

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