Choose Your Own Apocalypse: Welcome to 2012
With the future of the NBA still unsure, Justin Bieber winning “best male video” at the VMA’s and “Keeping up with the Kardashians” well into its 6th season, everyone’s been thinking the same thing. The Mayan’s were totally right.
Just in case you’ve been in a coma the last few years, the Mayan calendar predicts the world will come to an end on December 12th of 2012. And while they didn’t predict exactly how it’s going to happen, I’m assuming it’ll be a lot like the John Cusack movie 2012 … terrible.
But what exactly would be considered “the end of the world”? That could mean a lot of different things. Like what if I lost my cell phone, had my Facebook deleted, lost my ID at the club, AND got dumped all on the same day? I know like 48 girls who would consider that to be the end of the world, so who’s to say what it means?
Personally, when I think of my world ending, I imagine losing everything I know and love and being forced to work for the rest of my life.
In other words “graduating college,” a fate I’m sure many students in my position fear as well. However I’m not too worried about that happening to me, so let’s consider some other potential world-ending scenarios.
Maybe next December, Miley Cyrus, Taylor Swift, Lady Gaga, Lil Wayne, Justin Bieber and Rebecca Black will get together for a charity concert hosted by that really pale kid from Twilight and that cat from YouTube that can play the piano.
Then when hundreds of millions of people show up the world will collapse in on itself from all that weight in one place causing the world to end. Seems totally possible to me, who wouldn’t be all up in that dope concert?
Maybe the world will end from something classic, like a zombie takeover. We’ve all seen enough zombie movies and video games to be familiar with the situation. Some research team trying to cure erectile dysfunction in monkeys will accidentally create a virus that turns people into zombies.
Once one of the infected escapes, best case scenario you get to live in a mall for a couple weeks until the world is taken over. Just remember when it comes to zombies (and freshman girls) always go for the head.
Instead of a zombie virus spreading, a more likely scenario would be a super-STD virus brewing from the cast of “Jersey Shore.” After having sex with everyone in New Jersey, Miami, and Italy, everyone on the show would be a carrier of the most destructive STD in the world.
The symptoms would include an uncontrollable urge to fist pump any time house music is on, losing all common sense and reasoning skills, and “smushing” everything that moved. It’d be a lot like turning into a zombie except more stupid. And the only thing that could protect you from the virus would be condoms … so basically the world would be screwed. That would truly be a terrible “situation.
But, honestly, I’m not too worried about the world coming to an end. Just because the Mayan calendar ends on Dec. 12, 2012 doesn’t mean the world is going to end. The Mayan calendar-maker probably just got tired of making calendars thousands of years into the future.
I think if the world was actually going to end any time soon, there would be obvious signs like earthquakes, floods, tsunamis, tornadoes, droughts, wild fires, hurricanes, congressmen texting pictures of their “weiner” and white women getting away with murdering their children. But, luckily, none of those things have been happening. We should be fine.
John Jacobs can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.